Love vs Utility

As I become older I have discovered a painful truth: very few people love or care for me. When I was young I expected to be surrounded by people who would love me, but as I approach the age of 55 I realize that those people do not exist. I find this disappointing. Not only did I expect love and affection as I approach my elder years, but I believed I was entitled to it. That is because I gave my love and affection freely only to discover it was not reciprocated, at least not to the degree that I expected.

For a long time I denied that this was the case. It was not true! They do love me, but they just do not know how to show it! This made me a little sad, but I deluded myself into believing that it would get better if I would just provide more love and attention. Needless to say, that did not improve anything, but only made me more disappointed, and much worse: I became angry, frustrated, and resentful. How dare you! Damn it, I am entitled to your love!

Instead of being surrounded by a loving family, I find myself totally alone. I have discovered that the world is filled with people who do not love or care about me, and, furthermore, that those people who I expected to love me are at best indifferent. This realization was and still is incredibly painful. Much of the initial pain has since subsided. The reality has set in. Life goes on. At least that is what I tell myself.